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Ignorance Could Prove Fatal

12th October 2003

Words by Colin Stainton...

Bullying to most people is a problem, which resides only in schools. In-fact, bullying is a predicament that many people have to face day-in-day-out in all walks of life. A 1994 study carried out by Sheffield University publicised that, 10% of children in primary schools and 4% of those attending secondary school education were in-fact bullied at least once. That’s 350,000 8-10-year olds and 100,000 secondary school children bullied in Britain every week. This is an appalling amount of children whose lives are destroyed causing possible long-term damage to their mental state. It is believed that 1.3 million children every year are involved in some kind of bullying experience, with at least 12 youngsters committing suicide.

Bulling in the work place is also of epidemic proportion. 30-50% of work related stress illnesses are believed to come form bullying. A study by the Health & Safety Executive says 80 million workdays are lost through some kind of bullying experience. They also state £2 billion of revenue is lost each year through stress related illness. The consequence of bullying in the work place, results not only in illness, but also for the employers poor staff morale, decreased productivity and a greater staff turnover.

Domestic bullying is an abuse that leads to many men, women and children having not only the physical scares, but psychological wounds too. Actual violence and mental bullying is extremely common in the home. 53% of adults encounter verbal abuse from their partners and it’s not always women on the receiving end, although probably more common. Men do in-fact endure bullying from their wife’s’ or girlfriends, but embarrassment won’t let them admit it. 15% of adults in their home suffer from bullying of a physical nature and this causes tremendous harm as well.

I would say that mental abuse is a hurdle, which you never seem to get over. It lives with you for the rest of your days. I can say this with conviction because I’ve had first hand experience. Mental torture way back in my school days to verbal abuse in adulthood; I’ve had the lot. It never goes away and can actually rule your life forever if you’re not strong enough to overcome it. Hard work and commitment is a prerequisite in the fight to overcome mental bullying. You can learn to control those feelings of intimidation, anger and hurt. You can also learn that although you went through this terrible plight, none of it was your fault. However, to divest yourself forever of these feelings in an endeavour, which you’ll never achieve. They’ll never leave you. They’ll be there in the darkest crevices of your memories for eternity. You’ll hear it, smell it and see it, but you can overcome and handle it.

Bullying takes many different forms. Physical violence, threats of violence, name-calling, teasing, nagging, put-downs and sarcasm. Intimidation is another, which can devastate people from children to adults. All of the above will give you feelings of being trapped in your situation and could turn your school, workplace or home into a prison. Being physically abused, kicked or punched can in-fact be less painful and quicker to overcome that the pain of mental torture.

When you’re the victim all behaviour towards you is unjustified, unfair and uncalled for. Don’t for one minute take the blame, you’re better than they are and keep saying this. Believe in yourself and don’t believe in what the bullies say. No one deserves to be terrorised whether verbal, physical, racist or sexiest, so execute all forms of abuse in your life and prove to them you’re better. Being left out of games at school or conversations with other people, being ignored by work colleagues or classmates are all forms of bullying. You don’t have to except this, so the quicker you learn to become stronger the better you’ll handle bullying.

‘Don’t say anything’ is one of many phrases often used. Let me reassure you straight away, that asking someone for help is not wrong. The last thing one needs to do though is ‘rush in at the deep end’ and cause more trouble. Don’t be too hasty in solving this problem, think about what you can do. Rushing in will cause more harm than good especially to a child, so think before you act; it will pay better dividends in the end.

Talk to your child about the situation, but be aware, that they could be too distressed or frightened to explain what’s going on. If you’re the victim and an adult, again, don’t think you’re alone. Family, friends, employer, police, doctors and even the Samaritans are all available, so open your mouth and shout ‘I NEED HELP…PLEASE!’

If you want to help a victim, be prepared that they might not be able to confide in you, but don’t take this to heart. It could be that you’re just too close to the person in question and is not a rejection of your help. If it’s a child then get them to talk to Grandparents, friends or other family members. If it’s an adult and they can’t talk to their partners, outside help is available, so tell them. They don’t have to stop inside their comfort zone and fester. Outside that circle of comfort is a whole world of advice and it’s available to all. Say you’ll guide them and listen if needed and will be there if the need arises. Make sure they know they’re not alone and help is readily at hand.

A victim will have signs of depression. A change in behaviour is common. There could be a lack of concentration and becoming withdrawn. They might be excessively clingy or emotional with the smallest issue; these are all signs of bullying. Stomach aches and headaches will probably come into force in a child. Look out for bedwetting in children or disorientation in the elderly and keep a check on bruising around the body area. Most bullies will cause injuries out of sight so other people can’t become aware of the situation.

Another sign of stress in general, is bingeing on food, alcohol or cigarettes. I can tell you from the heart that I binged on food in times of stress. It caused more problems for me in the end because then I had the guilt to deal with afterwards.

I do want to emphasis one single point, which everyone should talk seriously. If the victim threatens suicide don’t brush it off a something minor. Please seek help of a professional nature immediately. Suicide should never be taken lightly and I’m speaking from experience here again. Not only did I contemplate killing myself because of many years of depression, but also, I nearly came close to it. It was the thought of leaving my children alone with the pain that stopped me.

Although the symptoms of bullying could be there, another reason might be the cause. A chid that complains of headaches or stomach-aches might be seeking attention because of a change to family life. Is there a divorce or separation in the home? Is there a new baby in the home? It could be medical, so a check-up with the doctor is advised. Jumping to conclusions should be avoided, but being diplomatic and tactful is a great way to find the root cause to a situation.

When helping children, stay calm. Let them know you feel distressed and angry too, but make the child feel comfortable. Let them know you’ll support them and do everything in your power to resolve the bullying, but without masking the matter worse.

Although victims do need to stand up for themselves, fighting back isn’t the answer. Develop a more confident approach in their persona. Teach them new types of body language or a martial art; learn them to stare bullies out, which gives the impression of confidence. Learn them to say ‘no’ emphatically and stop being a ‘yes’ person. Learn them to walk away without feeling a failure. If bullies aren’t getting any reaction, they might leave them alone. A bully wants to cause upset, so if no fear or hurt is shown, then they have failed. Another great weapon is humour and a few well-chosen words to put them down, especially if their friends are looking on, works effectively.

The society we live in today as taken bullying to a new kind of level. In my school days, it seemed to be verbal abuse and a bit of a beating. Now, however, knifes and guns take centre stage and yes, even in schools. Not so long ago a friends’ son had been bullied at school. This particular crowd seemed to attract all sorts of trouble with the school and police. When he refused to have any part in what they were doing, he was threatened. This boy was 15-years old. He’d been slammed up against a wall and had knifes thrust to his throat. He was warned not to grass on them or they would kill him. This is reality today, so telling your child to fight back could prove fatal. After many months of abuse this boy tried to kill himself. He took an overdose of tablets and alcohol. He had kept quiet about this to everyone including family members. Thankfully he survived.

Confronting the perpetrators to ‘teach them a lesson’ in any bulling situation could make matters worse. Countering violence with violence will bring about the ‘behaviour breeds behaviour’ syndrome. You only receive back what you hand out. So be calm and diplomatic and deal with it in a mature way. Your child will thank you for it in the end and you won’t be confronted with the ‘fight or flight’ scenario.

I would advise you to first listen to all sides of the argument. Acquire a clear picture of the incident and achieve an understanding to how the parties involved feel. Find out who the bully/bullies are; where did it take place; how often does it occur; are there witnesses; did anyone report it, then write down as many notes as you can. Build a bullying file to back your complaint up, then you have something to take to the school or parents whose child’s doing the bullying. Don’t jump to conclusions; find out all the facts first. The last thing you want to do is make the matter worse for the victim. Take your time, acquire all the facts, and work out your plan of action and then strike.

Another tip is to keep your child informed of all you plan to do. Don’t keep them in the dark; they need to know everything from A to Z. Talk with them and discuss between both of you what’s the best approach to take. After all, your child is the one who’s got to face it everyday, so make it as easy and pain free as possible.

You don’t need a reappearance of the bullying. Once the problem is resolved keep a check on how your child feels. Keep in contact with the school and above all talk to your child at all times. If you gain their confidence they might speak to you anyway. Be aware of the possibilities that they might not. So be vigilant and nip any more bullying in the bud before it escalates to catastrophic proportions again.

Bullying can be stopped, but we all need to talk and work with each other. We need to educate the bullies and help them too. For every action taken there is a reason behind it. A consequence that comes with a price to pay, so lets amalgamate and decrease this figure; together.

Read more inspiring articles from Colin Stainton at:
www.geoffthompson.com

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