Sunday Post Interview

20th August 2004

Talking to Robert Hlggs. now a successful author and confident public speaker, it seems hard to believe that the 26-year-old once lived In a constant state of fear and despair.

As a child he spent playtimes facing the choice of being thrown into stinging nettles or having his fingers bent back by a school gang and, consequently, his adolescence was plagued by depression. Yet Robert's change from victim to survivor came only when he focused on his own determination.

"My introduction to bullying was when I was five and had just started school," Robert explains. "An older lad and a gang of his mates picked on me for about a year until they left the school. It was frightening and because I was so young I didn't understand fully. I knew it shouldn't be happening but I just didn't know what to do about it. The one time I asked for help I was told by a teacher to stop telling tales."

Robert got involved in sports like mini rugby and he gained lots of confidence as a result. But all that changed when his family moved to a new area and a new school.

"It was a much bigger school and I went there feeling daunted by the fact that 1 didn't know anybody," he says. "I suppose I was already on the back foot, as it were. And that's where I learned how bullies establish a relationship with the victim,

"They like to test the water with little comments to see if you'll give the reaction they want — a passive one like looking down at the desk — then they know if they can push a bit further."

Before he knew what was happening, Robert says, the bullying spiralled out of control and it felt like everybody was queuing up to have a go at him.

"I was always a 'victim', despite my confidence in the years between the bullying episodes, because I never resolved the issues I had when I was five.

"I became a person I don't recognise today. If you can't see what to do about bullying, you play the role the bullies provide for you — as a victim. I became depressed and ail the negative things they said to me became my own thoughts to a point where I believed I was a worthless person.

"But that is also the way back from bullying. When you can stop bullying yourself and realise your self worth, you can change your life. I messed up my A-levels because of my depression as I hadn't realised how much your thoughts determine your health — that the things you say to yourself in your head really can make you happy or sad.

"I ended up with glandular fever, lost two stone in weight and had to quit university. I went home and thought about what I was going to do. As I was tying around I came across an inspirational book about a man who had taken small steps to overcome his fears of life and had gone on to lead the life he'd always wanted.

"I started thinking 'what am I afraid of?', 'why am I a victim?'. I worked out that I was afraid of speaking to people and I was afraid of fighting back. Eventually, though they were baby steps at first, I forced myself to begin speaking to people again. Then I took up boxing, not as a way of learning how to physically fight, but as a way of controlling my own emotions and honing my coping skills.

"It is difficult to say to yourself 'I'm not really helping myself, but once you hit rock bottom you realise there's nowhere else to go and honesty is the way forward. You can't pretend it isn't happening so you must face up to it. I had to do that."

Now a graduate of Leeds University and author of self-help book What Have I Ever Done To You?, Robert works as an anti-bullying and assertiveness trainer for charity Kidscape — using his own experiences to help others.

"When I stand up and tell the kids my experience it clicks with them and they open up. There are all sorts of myths about bullying but with a bit of education and understanding we can turn that around. We do lots of role-play and examine how children can avoid being dragged into 'playing' the bullies' game.

"We teach them things they can say — short, concise answers that tell the bully that they don't want to get involved in the conversation. I also explain how they must not seek the bullies' approval by showing interest in them, and we discuss how they can remove themselves from certain situations. Bullying is all about intention. The bully intends to see your distress so we learn how not to give the reaction they want."

Sadly, there is an enormous demand for the sort of training Robert does. Around half a million children in the UK are bullied, although experts believe those figures could be up to three times higher as so much goes unreported.

"Victims need help and I would love to come and work in Scottish schools," says Robert. "It is about giving kids the tools to empower themselves. Bullying permeates every level of society, so we do need to keep fighting it. But ultimately the will to change your life must come from within, so taking action to help yourself is the most important thing."

By Dawn Donaghey