A Bullied Existence

23rd June 2003

Panic overwhelmed me as the two older boys dragged me by my coat towards the smirking bully, the playground predator. I could see him laughing as I struggled to break their grip. Looking back to the playground I saw a way out.

"Please let me go, I really need the toilet" I said in my best pleading voice. They let me go and I ran blissfully to the safety of the dinner lady and the line of girls she had linked arms with. I was hopeful, I’d outsmarted them and now it would be ok.

"Miss, those boys over there are picking on me," I said pointing them out.

"Stop telling tales and play with your friends" she replied knocking the wind out of my sails. I stood there helpless and alone as the bullies returned and led me away again. I tried one last time to save myself,

"Let me join your gang, we could be friends" I reasoned.

"Will? Can he join our gang?" asked the sheep to his leader.

"No he can't" answered Will the fat, sadistic bastard reveling in the power he had over me. My emotions switched to autopilot, numbly resigned to my fate. Later I went home, clothes ripped, glasses bent and broken (second pair that month). I was just five years old.

When Will left the school my trouble ended, I wanted to be neither a bully nor a victim. But whenever bullies were present in my environment I always struggled to find any middle ground. Soon though I discovered sport and my prowess rapidly earned me respect. My mini- rugby games at the weekend in all manner of weather conditions hardened me and gave me confidence. I had a lot of friends and for a long time was very comfortable. But aged twelve my dad’s new job and our moving house blasted that comfort zone apart. Fear and panic crushed and overwhelmed my mind as I walked alone into my brand new school. Life was about to get very tough.

The minute I walked into that new classroom I was under the spotlight. The bullies in there could smell blood straight away (bullies thrive on fear and I was feeling plenty of it). I sat down on a table full of them and within ten minutes I'd lost my first battle without realising it. The bully tested the water, singling out the jumper I was wearing;

"Nobody wears a jumper in this school mate" he said searching for a weakness, going for the kill. Was I, the new boy in school, the sort he could push around? Unfortunately for me, I was and my jumper soon came off under the pretence of being too hot. Sure in his first victory the conversation turned to football. Was I any good? he enquired,

"Yes" I replied honestly. He shot me down again,

"Yeah? Well I’d piss all over you, I’ve had trials at Arsenal me." I bit my tongue, pushed back my anger. I needed, no, wanted, to make friends I told myself and so I kept quiet.

I struggled for a place in the football and rugby starting line ups. My first rugby match saw me score two tries in the first half and then be substituted. The frustration spilled over one day into a playground argument when another lad attacked me and I punched him in the eye ending the fight. A sarcastic voice attacked me from the side;

"You can't hit very hard can you?" said the onlooker. I did make it into the first eleven and the first fifteen but from then on every part of me as a person, my clothes, my sporting ability, my intelligence were attacked by the bullies. The consistency of it spiraled me down into shyness and depression. A huge gap opened up between my perception and reality, I came to believe that my critics were right, I was no good. The girlfriends I'd had fell by the wayside and I became frozen with fear and unable to talk to the girls I fancied. For the rest of my teenage years I had not one girlfriend, to escape the pain I sought solace in daydreams and visualization. Every day I would go out with girls in my mind, replaying scenes over and over like a film where I would bravely confront the bullies and win the girls affections. I became a shadow of my former confident self and a person I barely recognised.

The move up to college aged fourteen meant more bullies, more barracking, putdowns and threats. I bottled up all my anger and became deeply ashamed of what I was letting people do to me. I spent as little time as possible at school, feigning illness, escaping at lunchtimes to watch wrestling videos or play golf at the club that backed onto the school. I gave up football and rugby at both school and club level and when the teachers asked me why I was too ashamed to admit the real reason. It was the hardest experience of my life but it bore the fruit of the greatest lessons I have ever learned. I learned that I could achieve anything I want to regardless of what anyone says. I learned to channel my emotions in a direction that would help me, not hinder me.

When it comes to bullying victims always ask why, Why me? Let me tell you the only Why is because bullies can. I used to ponder the question What Have I Ever Done To You? and a few years after my experiences it has become the title of my first book. This is the book I needed as a bullied teenager, the answers to questions I could not answer then. If you're being bullied and currently feel lost, lonely and unhappy i'd like to help you find your way.